F E E L I N G S in C O L O R : 🍎 RED 🍎
Dimensions: (12 x 12)
 
RED is the second installment in my "F E E L I N G S in
C O L O R" project. The color RED represents anger or lust. It reminds me of my younger state of mind. I used to be so caught up in how I was perceived by other people…especially men. I had to unlearn a lot of internalized misogyny and face the anxieties that I had surrounding relationships. I often worried about whether I was good enough, whether I compared to other women, where I stood among them. In the words of Margaret Atwood, I became my own voyeur.

I didn’t want to be vulnerable with anyone. I was too afraid of letting people in. There was something too dangerous about entertaining the idea of being loved. I didn’t deserve it, did I? I wasn’t worth it, was I? I wanted it, I wanted a full body love, but it would require a certain level of softness that I couldn’t allow … never again. I felt used by men, by relationships. From a young age I was the person people came to with their aches and in my way, I took on their pains as my own. It took a lot of work to assert boundaries. And it took a lot of work to start letting down the gates to let others in. Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit, it’s scary and yucky and it takes a lot of work. But the only alternative is to be RED for the rest of my life. And I don’t want that either. I’d rather be soft instead.